Change comes in Gods time

There are a few things I have learned in the past few months here in Beaufort.I have learned is that I cannot control being hurt, I must love me the good and bad, I made God small when he is bigger than I can imagine, and I can do better to be better everyday of my life.

One thing that was keeping me from living my life to the fullest was worry. I sat and I thought about why I was worrying so much and it came down to the fact that I was afraid of being hurt. Both physically and emotionally. It seamed to be unbearable and I would avoid it at all costs. Then I came to the realization that ultimately God is in control of my life. Every situation and person I encounter is to mold me and use me in some way. I am now ok with that.

The biggest thing that was keeping me from succeeding in anything and being happy was accepting me for me. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I had to be kind to myself and take care of me like I would want to take care of someone I love. I want to be healthy and happy because that is what I want for others. I can love my friends when they make mistakes, so I can do the same for me. They are not perfect and I can love them, so I should love me too.

A few Sunday's ago I went to a community church here in Beaufort and my heart was changed. The speaker said " What you pray for reflects what you believe about God." as soon as I heard that I realized my problem. I didn't think God could do the things I wanted for me. Then he continued to say "Ask, seek, knock" he talked about being bold and asking God for what I want. If you don't ask you won't receive. I believe with all my heart that God can do all things now.

Lastly, I think that I can do better everyday of my life. I want to be the best I can be and the only one keeping me from doing so is me. I'm not going to stand in my way.

I have to be alive

My hear is as black as night and as heavy as a bag of stones. This part of me that was once filled with passion as warm as the sun and as beautiful and vibrant as a sunrise is now cold and dark like winter. Still beautiful, but not as full as life.

I once danced to the beat of my own drum not caring who heard the song of my heart. Now i'm afraid that my song is out of tune and my dance off beat. Everything was once beautiful. The giggle of a child, the sound of the ocean, the wind splashing across my face and combing threw my hair. I loved the smiles on faces that were filled with the kind of joy that you can see in the rosiness of cheeks. That secret place where only a few can find and once its found it can't be hidden.

Now my world is gray. The color gone and nowhere to be found. A world where the sun does not glow and create rainbows in the sky. A place where there are no fireworks and kisses at midnight. But I can still faintly feel my hear beating, which lets me know that i'm still alive. Being alive gives me hope that one day i'll see the color again. More intensely i'll feel the sun rays on my skin. In awe every day of my life. Traveling to the ends of the earth to encounter beautiful things and beautiful people. I have hope that day will come.

You are the potter and I am the clay

For a very long time, I have thought that having your heart broken by God was something that he showed you and not something he did. Like being changed by a conversation or by a mission trip or maybe even a bible study. I never thought until now that it actually hurts to have your heart broken. It hurts to be changed and molded. Its like having plastic surgery. You go to the doctor because of a deformity or an injury that you have and you tell the doctor what you want done. You put your trust in the doctors hands to fix you and expect it to be an instant change that you can see immediately. But while your asleep you don't realize the work that actually goes on. They cut and they shave down and they peel back and they stitch and they bandage. You don't realize its a journey you have to take to heal from the change. There is bruising and swelling and bleeding and plenty of pain. You wonder how this could possibly be helping you or fixing you. Slowly but surly over time you see the change. The bandages start to come off and the swelling and bruising fade. Finally you come out in the other side changed and whole again. The same process happens when we ask God to break our hearts. Work has to be done to fix what is broken and its painful, but we come out on the other side changed and whole.